Saturday, December 10, 2016

When my Sister upgraded to become my Guardian Angel...

I will never forget the night of 16 September 2016. It was the last night where my Sister looked at us with opened eyes, trying to talk to us albeit having difficulty to speak and make a proper sentence. Never did I suspect that, it was really the last I would look at her eyes, and the last I would hear her voice. 

Past midnight to 17 September 2016, she fainted and was rushed to the Emergency ward. She was still alive; but in a very not good condition according to the doctor on duty. The naive me started to plan to cancel the Australia trip and instead to spend the time to take care of her during her recovery; refusing to accept that she was in a life or death situation.

She was transferred to ICU in the afternoon. And still in coma. I was shaking during the whole period. Keep asking myself, what was happening? One day before, Sis was still talking to me, very much awake, telling me not to worry and go ahead with the luncheon which we had initially planned to go together. And now, she was lying on the hospital bed, with all the machines supporting her. And we had no idea at all what was happening. Doctors suspected she having SLE. Gosh what is SLE? But this could only be confirmed after performing the lumbar puncture procedure, but there's a problem...Sis was very weak and the platelet count was very low, thus the procedure could not be done, until she is slightly better.

The chance never came. On 18 September 2016 early morning before the sun even rise, we received an emergency call from hospital. Sis' condition became worse. Doctors said, they have done what they can do. Now it's up to God. We prayed so hard. I kept holding her hands and legs, hoping that she could 'feel' us and come back. I was still shaking, and thought I was going to faint soon myself.

God loves her more though. Sis stopped breathing and her heart stopped beating about an hour later. My heart was broken. Hard. Real hard. How did this happen? What has just happened? I thought we were supposed to grow old together. I really do not know how to go on with my life without her. I cried everyday during the entire month after her passing.

It's crazy how someone who used to be a huge part of our life, can be gone in a second. It made me realize that, nothing in life prepares us for losing someone we love. Nothing. 

It is reaching 3 months soon, since Sis left us. It seems that we were moving on pretending we are ok, but I know, deep down, we are still struggling to live without her. Dad, Mom, my two little Brothers and myself. Dad and Mom send prayers to Sis everyday. My Brothers kept their lives busy, yet we always talk about memories with Sis.

As for myself....Ever since she has upgraded to be my guardian angel, I was and am still having difficulty coping life without her. I still cry at random moments when I think of her, especially when I'm on myself, whether at home, at work, on the road driving, or even at public places. Or when I see or hear something that remind me of her; beautiful skies, nice paintings, BSB's songs, her favourite anime etc. I miss sharing stories, crying and laughing together with her...I miss her so much that it hurts. I wish I can see her and talk to her and tell her how much I love her before she left.

All in all, I am grateful that we are sisters in this life...because of Sis' love and support, I have managed to go through many of my downs in the past.... I believe she is watching me from heaven and 'guide' me as far as I'm still in this world. 

I hope to meet her again when I myself leaving this world so that we will become Sisters again afterlife.

After Sis' passing, I have been reading a lot on SLE. What are the cause, the symptoms, the complications, the treatments, etc. Apparently, SLE is a chronic inflammatory disease, with no cure to date and the cause is not entirely clear. And because of its symptoms being too common - fatigue, fever, hair loss, joint pain - the disease is not easy to diagnose. Nonetheless, with proper care, close monitoring and healthy lifestyle, the symptoms could be reduced and thus allowing SLE patients to live longer than not receiving treatment at all.

My biggest regret is, me being ignorant and has no awareness at all on this disease, thus did not realize the seriousness of my Sis' condition. I also feel dejected that, Sis has no chance to receive the treatment at all (not even the biopsy to confirm the disease!)....Now I can only wish she is doing well at Heaven. Hope she could continue to pursue her passion in Art in afterlife...

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